The Miami Heat Golden Oldies are part of a not-so-hot new trend sweeping the NBA. Geriatric dance teams. Apparently some of the league's front office gurus feel that instead of seeing a group of nice firm young blondes shaking their pom-poms during a break in the action, fans would rather feast their eyes on a bevy of blue-hairs swingin' around their saggy racks.
Currently, there are eight such teams terrorizing the league. Aside from the Golden Oldies, there are the:
Unfortunately, the NBA is a copycat league. So if they don't already have one, get ready for your favorite team to introduce one of these sorry-ass troupes soon. Let us explore some possible names for these expansion dance teams no one's looking forward to:
Indiana Pacemakers
San Antonio Bone Spurs
Boston Cialis
Philadelphia 1476ers
Sacramento Kings and Queens of Incontinence
Los Angeles Leaker Girls
Washington Bed Whizzers
Phoenix Sons and Daughters of Revolutionary War Heroes
Toronto Raptors' Fossils
Los Angeles Now Where Did I Put My Clippers?
The big question behind any of these teams is "Why?" Why take any of the spotlight away from any of the lovely young ladies everyone wants to see? MILFs and cougars are one thing. But GILFs and sabertooth tigers are quite another. I mean, you have to be pretty sick and twisted to drool over grandmothers and/or extinct beasts, let alone during a basketball game. I sure as hell wouldn't want to be sitting in the seat in front of anyone like that. What's that old joke? "Who are the two most famous people to get shot in the back of the head at a theater? Abraham Lincoln and the guy sitting in front of Pee-Wee." Yeah, well, I don't exactly feel like being the first person to get shot in the back of the head at a basketball arena. I have enough hair gel, thank you.
Another question is, "How?" How are teams gonna afford all the emergency medical care for all these old folks? The cost of tickets these days is staggering and who the fuck wants to pay more just in case some old fart falls down and breaks a hip on the court? Or worse yet, has a heart attack. Can't be cheap to fire up those electric shock paddles. But I guess it could possibly be expensed as part of the pre-game pyrotechnics display. It just better not come out of my pocket in the form of more expensive tickets or $40 hotdogs at the concession stand.
If your shriveled up self really has nothing better to do in your retirement and thinks you can cut the mustard, Oldies tryouts are only a couple weeks away. See for yourself if you have what it takes to become someone everyone points at and laughs about.
Prune juice. Is it in you?
